@hackthisenglish

Gerard Nolst Trenité – The Chaos 1922 (variation)

2020-01-13T22:41:48.736Z

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;
Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, hear and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say–said, pay–paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak ,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
Peter, petrol and patrol?

From “desire”: desirable–admirable from “admire”,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
Don’t you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?

Discount, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward,
Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation’s OK.

Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
Rabies, but lullabies.

Would you like some more? You’ll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
Does not sound like Czech but ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it”,
But it is not hard to tell
Why it’s pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the a of drachm and hammer.
Pussy, hussy and possess,
Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor"
Would it tally with my rhyme
If I mentioned paradigm?

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
Paradise, rise, rose, and dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
Mind! Meandering but mean,
Valentine and magazine.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
Prison, bison, treasure trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance, rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint,
Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,
Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
Do they rhyme with the pronoun yours?

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
Funny rhymes to unicorn,
Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

Lady Featherstonehaugh, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.
No. Yet Froude compared with proud
Is no better than McLeod.

Mind the sound of off and often
Which some pronounce as orphan,
And the sound of saw and sauce;
Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

That delightful word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight - you see it?
Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
Polish, Polish, poll and poll.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche! -
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
Won't it make you lose your wits
Writing groats and saying 'groats'?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington, and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Remember that bought rhymes with thwart,
And drought must always rhyme with bout
Weight is just like wait, not height,
Which in turn should rhyme with might.

Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??
Hiccough has the sound of sup...

My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

Daniel Sloss — RELIGION

2020-01-07T10:28:26.477Z

My mom's had four kids. You can tell that she loves us all the same, but after the first two, you know, the magic kinda went.

She always goes on about how she was blessed with me. Then she was gifted with my sister. Then she "had" my brother. And she'll always remember the day that she was diagnosed with the other one.

I think one of the hardest things about being a parent must be Christmas morning when you've spent all this time, money, and effort making this day so magical.

And then you look down at your child with those beautiful blue eyes that you hope resemble yours and they spend the whole day thanking Santa.

You know that disappointment that parents feel in that moment? That's exactly how doctors feel whenever you thank God.

Mr. Darcy, we are delighted to announce that your cancer has gone into remission.

"Oh, oh, thank the Lord!"

What? No, sorry, it's just funny. I just couldn't see his name anywhere on this chart. Ah..

Could see my name right up at the top there: Dr. Michaels.

Sat with you through two and a half months chemotherapy. You're welcome, by the way.

Dr. Conners over there. She spent six hours cutting a tumor out of your lung.

Uh, I got the names of all the waitstaff all the nurse staff here. Can't seem to find the Lord's name!"

Yes, but, but, but, but... the Lord sent you!"

I don't think he did! He certainly didn't chip in for that medical degree! If I, 'nd if I 'member correctly, you came to me!

I diagnosed you, and then I specified the treatment. In fact, if I cast my memory even further back,

He's the one that gave you cancer. Why?Maybe because you're an ungrateful fuck!

Yeah, thank you

I told that joke, uh, in America one time...Not big fans. I overheard a man complaining about that joke afterwards to a member of staff. Word-for-word this is what he said,

"That boy's awful! That boy is disgusting! He is exactly what is wrong with this world! You can make fun of the blacks, you can make fun of the queers, you could even make fun of the colored ones...But nobody makes fun of Jesus!"

Yeah!

And he didn't appreciate when I then took the time out to explain to him that technically, TECHNICALLY Jesus was one of the colored ones...Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Which is in the middle east.So had he been white, that would have been the fucking miracle! He would have been the only white guy for 400 miles, and it would've blown people's minds."Oh, look he's turning water into wine.""HE'S A DIFFERENT COLOR!!""WHY IS NO ONE MENTIONING THIS?!""WE LIVE IN THE DESERT! THE SUN IS ALWAYS IN THE SKY, YET SOMEHOW HE'S GOT THE COMPLEXION OF A SNOWMAN!""...Whatever those are..."

'Cause the sad fact is, if Jesus was alive today, he would not get through American customs.That's a fact. He'd get there and things would get a little bit tense!Just one security guy, just there like...

"Dave.""Dave!""DAVID!""Yes, Beardy McSandals. Who else would I be talking about?"And then Jesus would get there, and they'd make him do this:"Really guys? Really, we're doing this again?"Ah, you guys have been great.

I've been Daniel Sloss, have a wonderful evening.

Cheers.

hat? No, sorry, it's just funny. I just couldn't see his name anywhere on this chart. Ah...

What? No, sorry, it's just funny. I just couldn't see his name anywhere on this chart. Ah...

Could see my name right up at the top there: Dr. Michaels.

Sat with you through two and a half months chemotherapy. You're welcome, by the way.

Dr. Conners over there. She spent six hours cutting a tumor out of your lung.

Uh, I got the names of all the waitstaff all the nurse staff here. Can't seem to find the Lord's name!

"Yes, but, but, but, but... the Lord sent you!"

(High pitched disagreement)

I don't think he did!

He certainly didn't chip in for that medical degree!

If I, 'nd if I 'member correctly, you came to me!

I diagnosed you, and then I specified the treatment. In fact, if I cast my memory even further back,

He's the one that gave you cancer.

Why?

Maybe because you're an ungrateful fuck!

Yeah, thank you

I told that joke, uh, in America one time...

Not big fans.

I overheard a man complaining about that joke afterwards to a member of staff. Word-for-word this is what he said,

"That boy's awful! That boy is disgusting! He is exactly what is wrong with this world!"

"You can make fun of the blacks, you can make fun of the queers, you could even make fun of the colored ones..."

"But nobody makes fun of Jesus!"

Yeah!

And he didn't appreciate when I then took the time out to explain to him that technically, TECHNICALLY

Jesus was one of the colored ones...

Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Which is in the middle east.

So had he been white, that would have been the fucking miracle!

He would have been the only white guy for 400 miles, and it would've blown people's minds.

"Oh, look he's turning water into wine."

"HE'S A DIFFERENT COLOR!!"

"WHY IS NO ONE MENTIONING THIS?!"

"WE LIVE IN THE DESERT! THE SUN IS ALWAYS IN THE SKY, YET SOMEHOW HE'S GOT THE COMPLEXION OF A SNOWMAN!"

"...Whatever those are..."

'Cause the sad fact is, if Jesus was alive today, he would not get through American customs.

That's a fact. He'd get there and things would get a little bit tense!

Just one security guy, just there like...

"Dave."

"Dave!"

"DAVID!"

"Yes, Beardy McSandals. Who else would I be talking about?"

And then Jesus would get there, and they'd make him do this:

"Really guys? Really, we're doing this again?"

Ah, you guys have been great. I've been Daniel Sloss, have a wonderful evening. Cheers.