How To Think More Effectively
We are not perfect. And this knowledge is fundamental to the person who wants to improve his thinking.
If I am not perfect, then I can give myself a permission to be wrong. That means I can admit that some of my thinking is wrong, which leads to undesirable actions on my part.
But the most important is if I can determine my flaws, then I can become a better person by improving some parts of my identity. Isn't it wonderful? :)
Emotions influence our behavior far more than we'd like to believe. Let's take a look at our behavior in the CBT framework (ABC model):
This refers to the initial situation or “trigger” to your emotions. In other words, what happened before you start feeling something?
Your belief system refers to how you interpret the activating event (A). What do you tell yourself about what happened? What are your beliefs and expectations of how others should behave?
This is how you feel and what you do in response to your belief system; in other words, the emotional and behavioral consequences that result from A + B. When angry, it’s common to also feel other emotions, like fear. Other “consequences” may include subtle physical changes, like feeling warm, clenching your fists and taking more shallow breaths. More dramatic behavioral displays of anger include yelling, name-calling and physical violence.
Does that mean that emotions are bad? Absolutely not.
First of all, let's agree on a few things. There are 4 kinds of emotions:
- which are differentially associated with three core affects: reward (happiness), punishment (sadness), and stress (fear and anger).
Also, there are three features of emotions:
- Each emotion lasts 3-4 seconds.
- A person has no control over his emotions. (He can, however, control his behavior.)
- Every person has an absolute right to feel any emotion.
Believe me or not, but often people tend to underestimate the importance of the last feature. We'll talk about it next time.
Every emotion is essential for any human being to survive in this world.
There is nothing wrong about experiencing emotions. However, it is harmful, even dangerous, when emotions are either too intense, too absent, or too continuous.
How is that? Let's look at some situations.
What happens when there is a lack of happiness?
As you guessed, a person's life will be quite bland. One of the specifics of depression is that a person cannot physically experience happiness.
But what happens if there is an overabundance of happiness?
This situation is no better. A person ceases to respond adequately to the reality around him. The instinct of self-preservation is dulled, there is excessive self-confidence, which leads to undesirable actions.
This is how the manic stage is characterised by people with bipolar disorder. They may give out money to everyone, take thoughtless loans and take extremely risky actions. There is no pleasure in this condition.
What happens when there is too much anger?
I think it's quite simple to understand. Such a person will become an outcast, as no one wants to have anything to do with such an individual. Also, it is not good for the nervous system and the cardiovascular system.
And what happens when there is a lack of anger?
In this case, the person will be in victim mode. In order to respond to the abusers, one must have a healthy amount of anger within him that will allow him to assert his rights.
And so on with other emotions.
Now let's talk about the connection between our emotions and our behavior.
Emotional state = Emotion + Thought. For example:
Rage = Anger + "How dare this idiot fire me!"
Joy = Happiness + "This date is going great, he is so empathetic!"
Panic = Fear + "I will never work out my problems!"
By now, I assume you have guessed why we can be enraged, panicked, or in any other state of mind for so long.
Even though the emotion lasts for three or four seconds, our thoughts, in conjunction with the emotion, can close in on a loop. Anger is reinforced by thought, this reinforces anger, which in turn generates new irrational thoughts, etc.
As we know, we cannot control our emotions. We can, however, control our thoughts and beliefs. And this is where our attention will be focused - on our thoughts.
So, as you see, it's quite important to be able to see the difference between rational (relevant) feelings&thoughts and irrelevant ones. Sometimes, your reaction is irrelevant to the situation or you might overreact on some minor things in your life.
Let's have a look at another CBT model - ABCDE. This approach will help you to separate rational and irrational thoughts and feelings. Plus, it will help you cope with your worries and find peace.
The first part is the same: A - stands for the Activating Events (or Situations), B - for Beliefs, C - for Consequences. Let's see what the last two letters stand for.
By this stage you should have an understanding of what triggers you, the lens through which you see the event (your beliefs) and the consequence of your beliefs on how you act and respond to the situation.
The next stage of this model is to challenge your belief structure, with the ultimate goal to replace it with a more helpful set of beliefs, beliefs that serve you better. This process may start with an exploration of the usefulness of your current beliefs.
Questions that you might use at this stage include: How are your beliefs serving you? Do your beliefs help you? What would happen if you had different beliefs? How would having different beliefs lead to different outcomes?
The last stage is to replace your unhelpful beliefs with a new set of more helpful beliefs.
Questions that you may use at this stage could include: What’s the rational truth in this situation? What would those you trust tell you? What other beliefs would be more helpful for you? How would a logical approach lead you to act?
I was fired after 9 months on the job and after a busy project that I was responsible for.
I certainly didn't deserve to be treated that way. The bosses were obliged to take into account all the difficulties on the project. I can't lose this job under any circumstances, because I need it. After being fired like that, I could never find a new job. This is an absolutely horrible and intolerable situation!
I feel anxious and depressed. I need to find a job, but I'm completely exhausted.
Is there a universally known law somewhere that says I have to be treated in some special way? No, there is not. No one owes me any special treatment. Moreover, there is no one-size-fits-all knowledge of how to behave with others. The people around me are just as human as I am, which means that they too have every right to be as wrong as I am.
What will happen if I continue to believe that "universe" owes me something? Nothing pleasant, for sure. I will face a lot of people and situations in my life and every one of them will be unique. If I keep doing what I'm doing I will end up in a quite terrible place. Moreover, if other people start to believe that I always owe them something, I would not be very happy.
Will I really not be able to find a job? Is there any proof that I will never, under any circumstances, find a job? No, that is not true. I don't like that I lost my job. I don't like knowing that I will have to look for a new job. I don't like having to live in the unknown for a while. But that doesn't mean that I won't be able to find a job.
Is the situation really terrible? No, I just don't like that it happened. It's not the worst thing that could have happened, and it's not even close to being an intolerable situation. I haven't lost my skills, I've only gotten better. Which means that I only slowed down a little, but I didn't stop.
I don't like that I lost my job, but I'm sure I can find new opportunities. To do that I just need to prepare my resume and start interviewing.
I believe that everyone can make mistakes and I can't be held responsible for other people's experiences, decisions and feelings. Which means there is no point in worrying about what happened.
There are pleasant and unpleasant moments in life. Today I had an unpleasant moment. Tomorrow could be a pleasant day as well as an unpleasant one. That means I can concentrate on those things that can make my life a little better in this moment. Even if it's one small action that won't lead to incredible results in a day or a month.
As you can see, this approach is quite simple yet amazingly helpful. Let's explore a bunch of tips that will help you in your journey.
Make it more gentle and truthful. Sometimes we are too demanding of ourselves. When you notice too harsh thoughts about yourself, just rephrase it to something more soft, gentle and respectful.
Instead of "I'm such an idiot, I'm always doing all wrong" rephrase it to "Sometimes I make mistakes, that are bothering me. I wish it would happen less often."
See? Now there is a place for hope and changes. Most importantly, now the phrase has become true.
Be as truthful as you can. "Negative" emotions can lead us to misconceptions. So it's quite important ta pay attention on how truthful your beliefs are. Not only to everybody around, but first of all to yourself. If situation is ugly, don't lie to yourself. Say as it is: "The situation is not as pleasant as I would like it to be. As much as I don't like it, I will definitely find a solution."
Be fair. Don't be judgemental. Remember, we're just human. Moreover, we are only human. With all its flaws and perfections.
Responsibility instead of fault and guilt. Instead of using phrase like "It's my fault for not achieving what I wanted" try to use "It's my responsibility for not achieving what I wanted". Huge difference, which gives you the opportunity to take control over your life.
Challenge your irrational thoughts vigorously. Dispute your judgments proactively, cheerfully, and with self-respect.
That's all for now. I hope you can use what you have learned in your journey.