Talking about what hurts
This text was written on 12th of August 2020 as a reply to one of the questions I got in the comments.
Q: How did you learn to talk so openly with each other about what hurts?
A: I think for me the baseline reason for our communication working is that whatever I bring up, you almost never react defensive. I think in 3 years there were only a couple of times when you did.
R: I still feel bad about those 2-3 cases. You know whenever you bring something up, I know that before starting that conversation with me, you’ve been thinking about it for a long time already. You’ve been worrying about it inside. And the fact that you decided to tell me about it, to discuss it is a manifestation of trust and courage. Talking about feeling and things that worry you in the relationship, especially when you initiate it, is hard. Therefore, my first reaction is to say thank you, and then try to understand what is wrong, what you are worried about.
I think we were partly lucky, it just coincided that we are on the same wavelength, for both of us, relationships are very important, communication is important. That is, we just won a little bit in the lottery with each other. Although, when the Bollywood Star proposed to me, I said yes because of that. I had a clear feeling that I could talk to him calmly and he was ready to compromise, to look for this middle ground where both of us felt good. So partly we chose each other precisely because of the ability to build communication like this.
Of course, there were difficulties on both sides. The Bollywood star 3 years ago was in a full disco with his own emotions, even if something upset him, this disorder did not pass the filter of catastrophe. As if he does not fall into depression without strength and desire to live, then everything is ok. Accordingly, he almost did not endure any discussion.
For me, on the contrary, emotional discomfort was often perceived as hell and Israel, because I immediately began to draw “conclusions” from this. I was very careful about any inconsistencies with the Star. Because of how quickly everything happened between us, plus moving to another country for a man, I fired every little thing. Since childhood, I was afraid to end up in an abusive relationship with my partner. I had an example of parenting that is not only difficult, impossible to call healthy. I was scared to the point that even when I was 15 years old I left the first guy (who was several years older than me) because I projected his behavior into the future in my mind and realized that no, thank you.
In addition to terrible paranoia, I had a fear that at some point I would become too much and even love would not help “endure me” and if I “endure my brain” too often, then a partner, even the most loving and patient, will dump me into the sunset.
Therefore, there was a combo - the Star has feelings at the minimum, he often does not understand if something hurts him, I have feelings at the maximum, any little thing in my head swells to hell knows what, but at the same time I'm afraid to talk about it, because I I'm sure I'll lose my relationship.
It helped that I am completely unable to hide what I feel. If something is wrong, my expression turns into a huge neon banner “SOMETHING IS FUCKING WRONG.” And the Bollywood Star is doing very well with empathy and observation.
So it all worked like this. Sometimes I said:
“Something worries / upsets me, but I'm afraid to tell you about it, because I think it will offend you and you don't want to be with me anymore”
And sometimes the Bollywood Star would say:
“Darling, what's going on? You have such a sad expression. What do you have inside, tell me? "
Then I broke down while he tried to persuade me that he would not file for divorce because something upset me.
So it was about a year later, after a year I still believed that when it seems to me that if I share my feelings or anger, frustration with my beloved, he will leave me - then it just seems to me and there will be no disaster.
/ It also helped that we both had a position from the very beginning that marriage is yes, a serious decision to be together for a long-term, preferably all life, but “yes” said once is still “yes” said once ... For us, it was never a promise to inject, but to continue to eat the cactus. This "yes" said in the registry office was a promise to do everything possible so that our relationship continued to be healthy, filled with love and care, support. It was a promise to work and try, hear each other, seek a compromise. We are together now because every day we choose to say “yes” to each other and definitely not because we said it once three years ago. /
When I finally stopped being afraid, it became much easier to speak in words through my mouth about what worries or upsets or makes me angry. At first I tried to choose words and speak carefully about everything, but despite the fact that this was a manifestation of care, sometimes in an attempt to “soften the corners” I lost how much what I am talking about hurts me. Recently, along with the already familiar wording “I feel sad / I'm angry / I’m scared when you say / do this and this”, I add “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it is important for me to convey how I think / how I feel about it, so I want to say it the way I think in my head. ” And in my head I sometimes think very tough things. There is a lot of active attack on a partner, but I kind of quote myself so that he can more accurately understand my emotions.
Sometimes it happens that our internal processes collide. For example, a Bollywood star is now learning to be aware of his emotions and sometimes he is covered and it is difficult for him to cope with them. He becomes very sad or very angry at something. Even if it is not related to me, it is sometimes difficult for me, because he begins to behave like a child, “I want this way, not like this!”. And then a strange thing happens. There is one layer on which I empathize with him and understand how hard it is when you are overwhelmed with emotions, I want to support my partner, because I understand that it is difficult for him now. But there is another layer on which I am angry or have other negative emotions about this. In such situations, we pronounce both of these layers separately. At first, I try to give support, say something encouraging if needed, or just hug. On the second, the Star is already trying to give me support, to say that she understands.
We ask each other a lot of questions.
"Is there anything I can do to help / support you?" - there may still be specific suggestions, because you already know a little about your partner and you can try to guess what will help
“What exactly do you feel? Please explain in more detail. ”
Etc.
Probably, if you try to write a step-by-step instruction on our communication, it will look something like this.
— When your partner comes to you with a problem, treat it with respect. Proceed from the fact that it is not easy to come to a loved one and say that something is wrong, to say something that can offend.
— Start by saying thank you. Thank you for the fact that your partner does not care that your relationship is important to him, that what he says is about an attempt to improve your relationship, and not about doing you badly (if there are suspicions that this is said in order to hurt you and this happens regularly, that is, there is a possibility that violence occurs in the relationship and you need to take a closer look at this and if this is true, then end the relationship)
— Understand what exactly the partner means. Before you react, you need to make sure that you understand your loved one correctly. To do this, ask clarifying questions or just say "I understood it like this, is this what you mean?"
— To admit that you did something wrong, if it's true. Or explain that you disagree with his vision of the situation and explain why.
It is important to say “you are right, I really misbehaved then / broke my promise / whatever else”, if this is really the case. First, admit, and then discuss.
If it seems to you that everything is completely wrong, then say about it and explain what exactly is wrong. What exactly your partner sees differently than you do.
It's okay to disagree. We all make mistakes, we all sometimes interpret words or actions differently from the way they were intended.
But there is something behind the words of the partner, he did not raise this topic in order to offend or harm. Therefore, you should not say “what you are saying is complete nonsense,” you can say “I don’t see what you are talking about at all, please explain in a different way” or “now I want to say that this is complete nonsense, but I understand that since you bring up this topic, then something is wrong, please explain again ”
— After that, say how you feel about this yourself, without devaluing your partner's feelings. Say “I understand that you are angry / sad / confused, I now feel this and this”
— Further discuss the situation, without “And here I am! And you! And she! ”, But simply on the facts.
— When everyone understands everything about the situation and each other's feelings - look for a solution. Asking each other “What can help? What needs to be changed? ”.
And (we came to this recently) to offer each other help in these changes. Asking “how can I help you”. Because even if both of you are willing to change something, it can be tough. But in the end of the day (at the end of the horse) you do it for a relationship, for each other, for living together. Therefore, it makes sense (perfectly obvious and normal) to help each other to reach this compromise, and not just stand with a stopwatch over each other's souls and press while the partner does something.
Sometimes in relationships we find ourselves in a zone where there is no right or wrong. It's not that someone said or did something objectively unpleasant.
For us, such a zone was the work of a Bollywood Star. He was so passionate about this part of his life, so it was a priority that everything else, even important, remained somewhere in the shadows. I lacked attention, I lacked the feeling that we are building our everyday life and life together. That we both care about the cleanliness of the house, the fullness of the refrigerator, what we will eat for dinner and what we will occupy at the weekend. What color and texture to buy curtains and how to make everything conveniently organized by zones at home. It was important for me to do all this together as a partner, it was important to feel that it was also important for him. The Bollywood star said that it was important for him too, but only there was no time and attention left for this, because it was more important for him to work, learn business strategies, watch interviews on the topic on YouTube, read a million articles, and so on.
None of us were more to the right. I just wanted something different than what my partner was giving me at that moment. And there were two ways. Either he listens to me and decides that yes, he wants the same, it is also important for him and needs to change priorities. Or he listens to me and understands that what he focuses on now is more important to him. And then I have to decide whether it's okay for me or not. If everything is okay for everyone, then we stay together, if everything is not ok for everyone, then we disagree, because I know for sure that for happiness I need this joint thing and I don't consider it necessary to change it in myself, and if a Bollywood Star needs something else for happiness , then I also do not want him to reshape himself for my comfort, any changes in his priorities, in his life, should for him come not from what I really need, but from the fact that he himself sees the value in this personally for yourself.
Until now, we go through all such “red zones”, finding a compromise. So far, we coincide in everything important, and that's fine. I really hope it will always be there, because it hurts and I don’t want to leave my beloved, especially when you have been together for years.
And if it sounds like a lot of effort and a lot of work to you, then you don't. It really takes a lot of effort, time, patience and love.
I don’t know a quick and easy life hack, and I don’t think there is one.
And most importantly, this is how it works for us. For you, everything can be somehow different, in your own way. But it seems to me that the goal towards which you need to move is openness, honesty, this is when both partners are not afraid to talk about their feelings and when both strive to ensure that everyone is comfortable and happy in a relationship, while respecting that each of you is an individual person, with his own values and priorities. They need to be heard and understood in time if they do not agree on something very important. That is why, it seems to me, the sooner important topics will be discussed in a relationship (career ambitions, position about marriage, the topic of the presence and absence of children, values in raising children, the separation of life, participation and initiative of everyone in household chores and leisure), the earlier you check the fact that you coincide in principle and value, the higher the chance that these relations will work and the easier it is to avoid a painful parting in the future.