S is for sadness

Today is the Bollywood Star's first day on the new job. He was so excited that he woke up at 3 am, then for a couple of hours tried to be a reasonable person and got to sleep again, but at 5:30 decided to abandon futile efforts and got up. It sounds a bit better if you know that we usually doze of at around 9PM.

I am very happy for him, for us that there will be a predictable income, happy for myself that I will not be sent back to Russia (my residence permit depends, among other things, on the income of Bollywood Star). But at the same time, I am sad.

While the whole world is suffering from home offices, for Star and me it is a norm. We have been working together since 2019. At first, we hung out in the office, but pretty soon we moved home. We spend 100% of our time together every working day, with the exception of going to the toilet. I understand that this arrangement is not for everyone, but it works (worked 😭) for us perfectly.

Two and a half years is more than enough to get used to almost everything. Especially something good. Things are starting to change today.

No more team meeting at 10:00. No more walks in the morning, because it is impossible to fit them in before 8:00 in the morning (when the Star starts working). No more music on the speaker. A huge chunk of our lives is starting to change today.

It's not a bad thing, but it's different. And I feel sad because I have to let go of something good to which I am already used to. This happens often. For example, when you move to a new place, you say bye-bye to the old one and at the same time, you feel a bit of an “ouch” inside. Even when things change for the better, it's okay to feel sad about the good things that you leave behind. Earlier, I did not allow myself to get sad. It seemed stupid because the changes were for the better. The thing is that there are no stupid feelings, and if I feel something, then there is a reason for it, however ridiculous it seems to my rational brain. I’m learning now to be respectful of all feelings I have. It doesn’t always work, cause it’s habitual for me to beat myself up, and then beat myself again for beating myself up.

It is a process. So today I wish myself good luck for the next couple of months and I hope to get used to the new reality as fast and comfortable as possible.

By the way, we have +8 and the sun, which is what I wish for you.