June 26

hello. Here I am smoked a cigarette. Evening. I am in the room on my bed, 106 heartbeat pm. I finally got a chance to see her again, I thought it wasn't possible because in my thoughts I think I a little bit overthought about our relationship. Still, I had some anxiety before we met, thank You God, for caring me, not letting me fall. I had a dream about horses, I should to kill one, because it tried to eat others. Well, I didn't kill that horse, however all of them seemed to me suspicious.

I have a little head ache, I need grounding thing or what, I have so many thoughts, and all of them freaking me out when I start thinking about Veronica, I don't want to be a failure in her eyes. I just want to help her. Strange that first I was so sleepy whole time being in love with her, I lived my days from the meeting with her till next meeting, and I just started see, how bad was my co-dependency and love was blurry. I am going through this time of letting go, it smells like freedom from deep sleep, I am awakening, and I trust God, that He will hold me, Because things are indescribably difficult to carry on and understand to me. I am trying to focus on the important things.

I confess I was falling apart, now the decision of letting go getting solid and I am getting more honest with me and others. I am feeling a strange wall between us, but God will remove it. my friend despite the things I told her a week ago, she talk to me. Responding me. I feel that she hides something from me, she's got own reason for that, but it scares me because I wish she would trust me, because my soul is opened for her. I am going through the pain, I am sleepy these days, It's probably my bad bedtime that was messed up by the neighbors. I know that smoking is not going to last long for me, I have only one pack of cig. I think they are pretty much helpful for now, I believe God is still willing to take me out of this situation. What could I do whithout hope? His word is solid and impossible to remove. His Love is truth and light. He speaks to me I believe, Because of God I was able to see the lie. I wish and Pray my friend will have a hope and faith now In the name of Jesus Amen.

Lead me God. Show How you can change things. It is truly about saying 'Yes' to You. Ah. I was so confused, but now Im found, here, trying to listen the words, what to do the next. Pain and offense are what I don't choosing to live fore, serve for, it is not the things that will control me anymore. It is hard to find a root of faith and hold on to it, but, I hope when all my cigarettes run out, I will not regret of lack of them. I wish to have this foundation under my feet now, I wish to have faith and hope, and braveness.

I am glad that things are clearer than before.

I don't want to think what she thinks about me. I feel like I am helpless.

My life is in the bad position. but I trust You Jesus, my life now, bring Your changes that already coming to me, I am grateful to this opportunity to trust and hope and believe, because I love my friend, but I wish You will tell me why Have you allowed me to fall in love with Her? I am sorry for that. You Changing me God, I believe, healing is what You presenting gifting us.

I still feel weird God, so I considered to take a pill for this evening. I am looking for growth.