Start again
[ENG/RU]
Starting is always the hardest part. I’ve been planning to start my blog/vlog for several years now, but every time I find reasons to postpone it until “better times,” which apparently will never come. It just dawn on me that with that kind of thinking, I will never start. So that's why I'm here.
In many ways, I'm already late. I'm no longer fresh and energetic enough to show myself on camera without feeling self-conscious. I don't have a lot of energy and time to produce content on an industrial scale as the platforms make us all do. And I have no desire to keep up with trends that allow you to sell yourself and make a brand out of yourself and commodify whatever you do. I’m just not cut out for things like that and I don’t wish to change that.
I started feeling the need for a text blog when this king of content had already gone out of trend, and everyone around started to prefer short, catchy content and texts no longer than one hundred and forty characters.
In many ways, I'm late, but I don't really care anymore.
Funny enough, I have never been a person of the written word. And as it turned out recently, it was for a very simple reason – I have ADHD. Writing and reading have always been difficult for me. Only now, at thirty plus years old, have I learned to manage my ADHD intuitively and found ways to interact with the world around me in the way that makes it possible for me to read and write. I still read poorly, not more than twenty pages a day, and I get distracted a lot while reading, so I often have to re-read pages several times, take notes, and make outlines to prevent the content from evaporating from my head the moment I close the book. And my writing isn't fantastic either – I never had a particular talent for it. But, oddly enough, I always had the need. One of the ways I cope with stress and overthinking is by journaling. For several years now, I've been journaliing, and recently I switched to writing texts in Google Docs, which are easier to edit, and somehow it naturally turned into the need to write a coherent text from beginning to end.
And there is something else that most people probably don't know about. It's role-playing in fandoms on the internet. Surprisingly, I never could write a finished text about my favorite characters, but I could play with some anonymous user online for months, creating an entire world with our posts just to each other. Although it’s not surprising – the presence and contribution of another person is additional stimulation, the kind that is so needed to an ADHD brain.
Now I've stepped away from role-playing, and fandoms no longer particularly excite me – I’ve tried them all. Perhaps it's an age thing when you've tried most of the things, learned a lot, formed your worldview, and realized that there are very few things in the world you can truly enjoy. Therefore, this blog will contain a lot about my life and my thoughts on the world, myself, various phenomena, past experiences, learning, and coffee. Yes, I love coffee very much. Nice to meet you.
[ENG/RU]
Starting is always the hardest part. I’ve been planning to start my blog/vlog for several years now, but every time I find reasons to postpone it until “better times,” which apparently will never come. It just dawn on me that with that kind of thinking, I will never start. So that's why I'm here.
In many ways, I'm already late. I'm no longer fresh and energetic enough to show myself on camera without feeling self-conscious. I don't have a lot of energy and time to produce content on an industrial scale as the platforms make us all do. And I have no desire to keep up with trends that allow you to sell yourself and make a brand out of yourself and commodify whatever you do. I’m just not cut out for things like that and I don’t wish to change that.
I started feeling the need for a text blog when this king of content had already gone out of trend, and everyone around started to prefer short, catchy content and texts no longer than one hundred and forty characters.
In many ways, I'm late, but I don't really care anymore.
Funny enough, I have never been a person of the written word. And as it turned out recently, it was for a very simple reason – I have ADHD. Writing and reading have always been difficult for me. Only now, at thirty plus years old, have I learned to manage my ADHD intuitively and found ways to interact with the world around me in the way that makes it possible for me to read and write. I still read poorly, not more than twenty pages a day, and I get distracted a lot while reading, so I often have to re-read pages several times, take notes, and make outlines to prevent the content from evaporating from my head the moment I close the book. And my writing isn't fantastic either – I never had a particular talent for it. But, oddly enough, I always had the need. One of the ways I cope with stress and overthinking is by journaling. For several years now, I've been journaliing, and recently I switched to writing texts in Google Docs, which are easier to edit, and somehow it naturally turned into the need to write a coherent text from beginning to end.
And there is something else that most people probably don't know about. It's role-playing in fandoms on the internet. Surprisingly, I never could write a finished text about my favorite characters, but I could play with some anonymous user online for months, creating an entire world with our posts just to each other. Although it’s not surprising – the presence and contribution of another person is additional stimulation, the kind that is so needed to an ADHD brain.
Now I've stepped away from role-playing, and fandoms no longer particularly excite me – I’ve tried them all. Perhaps it's an age thing when you've tried most of the things, learned a lot, formed your worldview, and realized that there are very few things in the world you can truly enjoy. Therefore, this blog will contain a lot about my life and my thoughts on the world, myself, various phenomena, past experiences, learning, and coffee. Yes, I love coffee very much. Nice to meet you.
Начать – это всегда сложнее всего. Я собираюсь начать свой блог/влог уже несколько лет, но каждый раз нахожу причины отложить это до “лучших времен”, которые, судя по всему, уже никогда не настанут. Мне стало ясно, что такими темпами я не начну никогда, и поэтому я здесь.
Во многих смыслах, я уже опоздала. Я больше не свежа и энергична, чтобы можно было показывать себя на камеру и не чувствовать self-conscious. У меня нет кучи сил и времени, чтобы пилить контент в промышленных масштабах. И никакого желания следить за трендами, которые позволяют себя продать и сделать из себя бренд.
Я почувствовала потребность в текстовом блоге, когда это явление уже ушло в прошлый век и все вокруг стали предпочитать короткий, въедливый в мозг контент и тексты не больше, чем сто сорок символов.
Во многих смыслах я опоздала, но это не тот тип мышления, с которым я соглашаюсь и который принимаю и поэтому я здесь.
Я вообще никогда не была человеком печатного слова. И как оказалось по очень простой причине – у меня СДВГ. Писать и читать мне всегда было сложно. И только сейчас, когда к тридцати годам я научилась менеджерить свой СДВГ и интуитивно нашла работающие способы взаимодействия с окружающим миром, мне стало возможно читать и писать. Читаю я все еще плоховато, не больше двадцати страниц в день и много отвлекаюсь во время чтения, так что приходится перечитывать страницу несколько раз, часто делать конспекты и заметки, чтобы прочитанное не испарилось из моей головы в момент, когда я закрываю книгу. И пишу я тоже не фантастически (особенно после того как почитаешь Шульман) – никогда не было к этому особого таланта. Но, как ни странно, всегда была потребность. Один из способов, как я справляюсь со стрессом и оверсинкингом – это ведение дневников. Уже несколько лет подряд я веду дневники и вот недавно перешла в формат написания текстов в гуглдоке, который легче редактировать, и как-то само собой оно вылилось в потребность написать связный от начала до конца текст.
И есть еще кое-что, о чем большинство людей, скорее всего не догадываются. Это ролки по фандомам в интернете. .Удивительно, но я никогда не могла написать законченный текст по любимым персонажам, но могла месяцами играть с каким-нибудь анонимным юзером в сети, где мы создавали буквально целый собственный мир своими постами друг другу. Хотя ничего удивительного – присутствие и вклад другого человека – это дополнительная стимуляция, та самая, которая так мила сдвг-мозгу.
Сейчас я отошла от ролевых, и фандомы больше не особо торкают – я их всех перепробовала. Наверное, это возраст такой, когда ты все уже попробовал, все уже узнал, сформировал свою картину мира и понял, что в мире очень мало вещей, которыми можно по-настоящему наслаждаться. Поэтому этот блог будет содержать много моей жизни и моих мыслей относительно мироустройства, самой себя, наблюдаемых явлениях, прошлом опыте, обучении и кофе. Да, я очень люблю кофе. Приятно познакомится.