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Why does love fade?

Humans are programmed to crave the unexpected, forget about the past and look into the future, where possible new, exciting events might occur. But when things like love become familiar, that excitement fades away, leaving space for new desires.

This phenomenon is called the reward prediction error when what happens is better than what we expected. That mistake launches dopamine into action, it’s the thrill of the unexpected news.

It happens the same in relationships when both partners are obsessed with each other until things become part of the daily routine and there is no more reward prediction error. Dopamine’s job to idealize the unknown came to an end, so dopamine shuts down.

The 2 worlds of our brain.

John Douglas Pettigrew, a neuroscientist, found that the brain divides the external world into 2 separate regions, the peripersonal & the extrapersonal — near and far. Peripersonal space includes whatever is in arm’s reach. Extrapersonal space refers to things you can’t touch unless you move beyond your arm’s reach.

The peripersonal space is the world of what’s real, here and now. Those experiences are occurring in the present. For example, when we touch, taste, hold or, feel happy, sad or angry. The extrapersonal space refers to the realm of possibility, things that require effort, time and planning.

Love must shift from the extrapersonal experience to a peripersonal one. From something that we expect to something we have to take care of. Love that lasts, turns the fantasy of anything being possible into a marriage where reality takes over with all its imperfections.

Early love is a ride on a merry-go-round that sits at the foot of a bridge. That carousel can take you around and around on a beautiful trip as many times as you like, but it will always leave you where you began. Each time the music stops and your feet are back on the ground, you must make a choice: take one more whirl, or cross that bridge to another, more enduring kind of love.

The secrets to long-lasting love.

Dopamine is the anticipation molecule. To enjoy the things that we have, our brains must transition from the future-oriented dopamine to the present-oriented one. This collection of neurotransmitters are called Here & Now molecules, the H&Ns, which include serotonin, oxytocin, endorphins and endocannabinoids.

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, early or “passionate” love lasts only twelve to eighteen months. After that, for a couple to remain attached to one another, they need to develop a different sort of love called companionate love.

The companionate love is driven by H&Ns because the experience is happening in the moment, here and now.

The first part, passionate love, is dopaminergic — exciting, idealized, curious. The second part, compassionate love, is H&N-focused, satisfying, peaceful and experienced through bodily senses and emotions.

When the H&Ns take over the second stage of love, dopamine is suppressed. This happens because dopamine creates an image of a beautiful future in order to encourage us on working hard to turn this idea, of a long-lasting relationship, into reality.

When scientists looked at blood cells extracted from people who were in the passionate stage of love, they found lower levels of H&N serotonin receptors compared to “healthy” people, an indicator that the H&Ns were in retreat.

It’s not easy to ignore the dopaminergic thrill of new partners, but the ability to do so is a sign of maturity and a step toward long-lasting happiness.

Conclusion.

Only unexpected rewards trigger dopamine release. Dopamine doesn’t respond to reward, as I have mentioned in the beginning, but to reward prediction error.

That’s why falling in love doesn’t last forever. We are falling in love under dopamine’s influence, looking into a bright future near the perfect partner. However, this future is built on our imagination that will fade away, and bring us back to reality, 12-18 months later.

In many cases, after this period, the relationship ends and we are again seeking the new dopaminergic thrill. On the other hand, passionate love can become the companionate love. This won’t give you the same excitement that dopamine does, but it will definitely help you achieve happiness — long-term happiness based on H&N neurotransmitters.

But when it comes to love, dopamine is a place to begin, not to finish. It can never be satisfied. Dopamine can only say, “More.”