Baby Nurse DooDoDoDoo

As of now I’m officially into my eighth month of nursing and my one year anniversary working on my unit. I started my career right smack dab at the beginning of this pandemic. In fact, when I interviewed for the position it was just before masks were a must and just after my school went online for "two weeks." It is crazy to think of all that has happened in the past year.

I remember clearly my first day walking onto the unit. It was just before three a.m., I was so nervous. We did not yet have to be screened for Covid at a designated door, and masks had just became a thing. I had parked out in the far lot and rode the shuttle in, the poor driver realized quickly I was a pitiful newbie and had to show me how to use my glossy new badge to get in the building. Once I managed to get through the doors into a very dark lobby, I started to make my way toward there elevator, rehearsing the directions my unit educator had given me in my head.

When the elevators opened up to the third floor I stumbled around trying to remember where to go, and finally found the badge scanner that would allow me onto the unit. I work on a lock down intensive care unit, the previous time I had been there was during the day and a security guard had let me in. The double doors automatically opened once I scanned my badge and I stepped in, unsure of where I was supposed to go. A nurse at the station nearest the door looked up and noticed me. First he asked, "are you new?" To which I nodded yes. Then he motioned to the box of masks on the wall, "we have to wear these now, here." And handed me one. After asking some more questions he figured out that I was still in nursing school but soon to graduate, which is why I was wearing the same color scrubs as the nurses though I was starting as a tech. He led me to the tech station and told me the unit educator would be there shortly.

I think about this exchange with that nurse still, now a year later. He has since left to work in a different area of nursing and is doing well. He was so nice to me that morning when I was so obviously feeling out of place and awkward. I aim to be like that to each new face on my unit, and there have been plenty, but that nurse set the example for me.

Nothing else too exciting happened during my first twelve hour shift. I had to do a lot of online modules and lessons in order to start working in the clinical field. I trained as a tech from three am to three pm for several weeks, once I "graduated" orientation I moved to the opposite schedule.

At this time I was still making an hour long commute to and from my work. I didn’t mind those, because as the weeks continued the lockdown and mandates became stricter and stricter, I was happy to have a reason to get out. I remember especially in those early months, when I would leave in the middle of the night for work, the eerie-ness of the empty roads would excite me. It would almost feel like it was illegal for me to be even driving around. It’s crazy to remember how different the pandemic felt then, with almost an apocalyptic sense.

Now, I’m not just a tech who helped with baths, turns, labs, and restocking. Now, I’m the nurse and in charge of managing two to three critically ill people's lives. Most of the time it doesn’t feel to me that I am doing anything astounding. It is just an everyday thing for me now, normal. Every once in a while though it hits me. I am quite often literally the difference between life and death for some patients. I’ve lost some patients. I’ve seen many get better and make progress. I have seen tragedy and gore and hopelessness but I have also seen faith and healing. But it is never because of me, not really. I’m just a tool in these situations, but happy to be.

When I think this way I remember why I became a nurse. I know I was called to be at a very early age. God has blessed me with the gift of service and I’m his tool to use in the healing of others. I’m thankful to be. It doesn’t mean it’s easy and I often question when I see a good person suffering and a bad man thrive. Then that is when I’m reminded that I’m not fit to be the judge, because I’m just as easily as unworthy of health and prosperity as the "bad" man. I have no right to say anyway. That is part of the job, and part of the calling. You have to treat each patient with the same quality of care and dignity regardless of their background.

Now, there isn’t really too much of a point to this post. It is everywhere I know. I intend to use this platform somewhat as an open journal, for a baby nurse's ramblings, it’s been a crazy year and I am still learning so so much. Of course, these posts will conceal location and any identifying details, instead I will mostly compose my thoughts and feelings as I navigate through this new world of mine.