Remains of the day

by Kazuo Ishiguro

Chapter seventeen - Old Friends

September 1956

For many years I have often thought of visiting the seaside town of Weymouth. I have heard various people talk of pleasant holidays here. All of them mentioned the pier in particular, and I have been walking up and down along it for the last half-hour. They especially recommended visiting the pier in the evening, when it becomes lit up with bulbs of various colours. A moment ago, I learnt from an official that the lights would be switched on soon, so I have decided to sit down here on this bench and wait for them to come on. I have a good view of the sun setting over the sea. Although there is still plenty of daylight left - it has been a splendid day - I can see, here and there, lights starting to come on all along the shore.

I arrived in this town yesterday afternoon, and have decided to remain here for a second night. I need a rest from motoring, and if I make an early start tomorrow, I shall be back at Darlington Hall by tea-time.

It is now two days since my meeting with Miss Kenton in the tea lounge of the Rose Garden Hotel in Little Compton. Miss Kenton surprised me by coming to the hotel. I was looking out of the window at the rain when a member of the hotel staff came to inform me that a lady wished to see me at reception. I rose and left the dining hall, but at reception I was told that the lady had gone into the tea lounge.

The tea lounge was empty apart from Miss Kenton. She rose as I entered, smiled and held out her hand to me.
'Ah, Mr Stevens. How nice to see you again.'

'Mrs Benn, how lovely.'

We moved two armchairs close to the window, and sat and talked for the next two hours. While we talked together, the rain continued to fall steadily on the square outside. A grey light from the window fell across her face, and I noticed the lines around her eyes and mouth. But, on the whole, Miss Kenton looked surprisingly similar to the person I remembered from twenty years ago. It was a great pleasure for me to see her again.

For the first twenty minutes we chatted politely about my journey. As we talked, I began to notice other ways in which Miss Kenton had changed since I last saw her. For instance, she appeared, somehow, slower. It is possible that this was simply the calmness that comes with age, but I could not help thinking that it was more a sort of tiredness with life. Every now and then, when she was not speaking, I thought I saw something like sadness in her expression. But I may have been mistaken about this.

The initial awkwardness of our conversation soon developed into something more relaxed and personal. We spent some time remembering various people from the past, or exchanging recent news about them. This was, I must say, most enjoyable. As we talked, the past began to come back to life for me. It was not just the memory of people and places that we talked about. I watched Miss Kenton while she was speaking, and suddenly recognized little expressions on her face, little movements of her hands, that brought back memories of our conversations all those years ago. The little smile that she gave when she finished speaking, and a certain gesture with her shoulders, had not changed at all.

After we had talked about people we had once known, Miss Kenton began to tell me about herself. I learnt, for instance, that her marriage to Mr Benn was not in as much trouble as I had understood from her letter. Although she had left her home for a period of four or five days - which was when she had written me her letter - she had returned, and Mr Benn had been very pleased to have her back. 'It is fortunate that one of us is sensible about these things,' she said with a smile.

I am, of course, aware that details of Miss Kenton's personal life with her husband were really not my business. I would not have talked to her about such private matters if there had not been an important professional reason. And my reason for encouraging conversation on this subject was the present staffing problem at Darlington Hall. But Miss Kenton did not seem to mind talking to me about these matters. In my opinion, this is pleasing evidence of the fact that we had once enjoyed a close working relationship together.

For a short time, Miss Kenton went on talking more generally about her husband, who is retiring soon because of the health. She also talked to me about her daughter, who is now married and expecting a child in the autumn. In fact, Miss Kenton gave me her daughter's address in Dorset. 'Catherine's heard all about you, Mr Stevens,' she said. 'She'd be so thrilled to meet you.'

Then I began to tell her about myself. I tried to describe to her what Darlington Hall is like today. I attempted to tell her what a good employer Mr Farraday is, and I described the changes to the house itself and the present staffing arrangements. Miss Kenton, I thought, became visibly happier when I talked about the house, and we were soon laughing again together over various old memories.

I spoke about Lord Darlington only once. We had been talking about the young Mr Cardinal, and I had to tell Miss Kenton that he had been tragically killed in Belgium during the war. I continued:
'Of course, his lordship was very fond of Mr Cardinal. He suffered very badly when the young man died.'

I did not wish to spoil the pleasant atmosphere with unhappy talk, so I quickly tried to change the subject. However, Miss Kenton wanted to hear more about Lord Darlington. She had read in the newspapers about his unsuccessful court action and, inevitably, took the opportunity to ask me about it.

'The fact is, Mrs Benn, throughout the war, people said some truly terrible things about his lordship. The newspaper that young Mr Cardinal worked for was especially vicious towards him. His lordship did nothing about it while the country was in danger, but the accusations against him continued after the war had ended. He was unable to continue suffering in silence. His lordship sincerely believed that he would get justice if he took that newspaper to court. Instead, of course, the newspaper simply became more popular, and his lordship's good name was destroyed for ever. Afterwards, his lordship became very ill. The house became so quiet. I would take him tea in the drawing room and, well... it really was most tragic to see.'

'I'm very sorry, Mr Stevens. I had no idea things had been so bad.'

'Oh yes, Mrs Benn. But enough of this. I know you remember Darlington Hall in the days when it was filled with important visitors. That is how his lordship deserves to be remembered.'

We did not mention Lord Darlington again. We talked for the rest of the time about happy memories, and we spent an extremely pleasant two hours together in the tea lounge of the Rose Garden Hotel. Indeed, I could hardly believe that two whole hours had passed when Miss Kenton looked up at the clock and said that she would have to return home. When I discovered that she would have to walk in the rain to a bus stop just outside the village, I insisted on taking her there in the Ford.

Soon we were motoring together down the village high street, past the shops, and out into the open country. Miss Kenton sat quietly watching the passing view, then turned to me and said:
'Why are you smiling to yourself like that, Mr Stevens?'

'Oh... You must excuse me, Mrs Benn, but I was just thinking about some of the things you wrote in your letter. I was a little worried when I read them, but I see now that there was no cause for alarm.'

'Oh? What things in particular are you referring to, Mr Stevens?'

'Well, for instance, Mrs Benn,' I said with a laugh, 'in one part of your letter you write: The rest of my life stretches out emptily before me. Or something like that.'

'Really, Mr Stevens,' she said, also laughing a little. 'I could not have written that.'

'I assure you, Mrs Benn, you did. I recall it very clearly.'

'Oh dear. Well, perhaps there are some days when I feel like that. But they pass quickly enough. Let me assure you, Mr Stevens, my life does not stretch out emptily before me. For instance, my husband and I are both looking forward to becoming grandparents.'

'Yes, indeed. That will be splendid for you.'

We drove on quietly for a few moments. Then Miss Kenton said:
'And what about you, Mr Stevens? What does the future hold for you back at Darlington Hall?'

'There is work, Mrs Benn. Work and more work. I wish I had some emptiness to look forward to.'

We both laughed at this. Then Miss Kenton pointed to a bus shelter further along the road. As we approached it, she said:
'Will you wait with me, Mr Stevens? The bus will only be a few minutes.'

The rain was still falling steadily as we got out of the car and hurried towards the shelter. Miss Kenton sat on the seat that was provided. I, however, remained on my feet where I would have a clear view of the approaching bus. After we had been waiting in silence for a few minutes, I finally managed to say:
'Excuse me, Mrs Benn. But the fact is, we may not meet again for a long time. I wonder if you would perhaps permit me to ask you a rather personal question. It is something that has been bothering me for some time.'

'Certainly, Mr Stevens. We are old friends, after all.'

'Indeed, as you say, we are old friends. Please do not reply if you feel you shouldn't. But the fact is, over the years I have had a number of letters from you, and they have all seemed to suggest that you are - how might one express it? - rather unhappy. I simply wondered if you were being badly treated in some way. Forgive me, but I have been worried about this for some time.'

'Mr Stevens, there is no need to be so embarrassed. We are old friends after all, are we not? In fact, I'm very grateful that you are so concerned. And I can reassure you on this matter absolutely. My husband does not treat me badly in any way. He is not a cruel or bad-tempered man at all.'

'I am so pleased to hear that, Mrs Benn.'
I leaned forward into the rain, looking for signs of the bus.

'I can see you are not very satisfied, Mr Stevens,' Miss Kenton said. 'Don't you believe me?'

'It's not that, Mrs Benn. Not that at all. It's just that you do not seem to have been very happy over the years. You have - forgive me - left your husband a number of times. If he does not treat you badly, then, well... I find the cause of your unhappiness rather difficult to understand.'

I looked out into the rain again. Eventually, I heard Miss Kenton say behind me:
'Mr Stevens, how can I explain? I hardly know myself why I do such things. But it is true, I have left him three times.' She paused a moment while I continued to look out towards the fields on the other side of the road. Then she said:
'I suppose, Mr Stevens, you're asking whether or not I love my husband.'

'Really, Mrs Benn, I would never...'

'I feel I should answer you, Mr Stevens,' Mrs Benn interrupted me. 'As you say, we may not meet again for many years. Yes, I do love my husband. I did not at first. I did not for a long time. When I left Darlington Hall all those years ago, I never realized I was really, truly leaving. I believe I thought of it, Mr Stevens, as simply another way to annoy you. It was a shock to come out here and find myself married. For a long time I was very unhappy, very unhappy indeed. But then the years passed, there was the war and Catherine grew up. Then suddenly, one day, I realized that I loved my husband. If you spend so much time with someone, you get used to him. He is a kind, steady man, and yes, Mr Stevens, I do love him.'

Miss Kenton fell silent again for a moment. Then she went on: 'But there are times, of course, when one thinks to oneself: "What a terrible mistake I have made with my life." And one thinks about a different life, a better life one might have had. For instance, I started to think about a life I might have had with you, Mr Stevens. And I suppose that is when I get angry over something small and unimportant and leave. But I always return to my husband. We cannot turn the clock back now. We cannot spend our lives dreaming about what might have been. One should be grateful for what one has.'

I do not think I responded immediately, for it took me a moment or two to fully understand her words. Moreover, the implication of Miss Kenton's words did create a certain amount of sorrow within me. Indeed - why should I not admit it? - at that moment, my heart was breaking. Before long, however, I turned to her and said with a smile:
'You are absolutely right, Mrs Benn. As you say, it is too late to turn back the clock. We must both be grateful for what we do have. And from what you tell me, Mrs Benn, you have many good reasons for feeling happy. In fact, it seems that you and Mr Benn have some extremely happy years ahead of you. You really must not let any more foolish ideas come between yourself and the happiness you deserve.'

'Of course, you are right, Mr Stevens. You are so kind.'

'Ah, Mrs Benn, I think that the bus is coming now.' I stepped out into the rain and signalled, while Miss Kenton stood up and waited at the edge of the shelter. As the bus slowed down, I glanced at Miss Kenton and noticed that her eyes had filled with tears. I smiled and said:
'Now, Mrs Benn, you must take good care of yourself. Many people say that retirement is the best part of life for a married couple. You must make these years happy ones for yourself and your husband. We may never meet again, Mrs Benn, so I ask you to remember what I have just said to you.'

'I will, Mr Stevens, thank you. And thank you for the lift. It was so very kind of you. It was so nice to see you again.'

'It was a great pleasure to see you again, Mrs Benn.'