George Carlin / about prayers
It's not polite! I often thought people treat God rather rudely! Don't you? Asking help... Trillions and trillions of prayers every day! Asking and pleading and begging for favours: "Do this, Gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job..."
And most of this praying takes place on Sunday! His day off!
It's not nice! And it's no way to treat a friend! But people do pray and they pray for lots of different things... You know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch... Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall... But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store! You know? The one with the eye patch and the club foot?
Do you pray for that? I think you'd have to! And I say "Fine, pray for anything you want! Pray for anything!" But... What about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan...
Long time ago, God made a divine plan! Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan put it into practice, and for billions and billions of years, the divine plan has been doing just fine!
Now you come along and pray for something! Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in God's divine plan!
What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? That doesn't seem a little arrogant?
It's a divine plan! What's the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can
come along and fuck up your plan?
And here's something else! Another problem you might have! Suppose your prayers aren't answered! What do you say? "Well, it's God will! Thy will be done!"
Fine! But if it's God's will, and he's gonna do what he wants to do anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to his will?
It's all very confusing! So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun! But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun!
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci!
Two reasons:
First of all, I think he's a good actor, OK? To me, that counts!
Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done! Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around! Doesn't fuck around!
In fact Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things God was having trouble with! For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbour with the barking dog...
Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit!
It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat!
So, I've been praying to Joe for about a year now and I've noticed something. I've noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty per cent rate...!
Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't! Same as God! Fifty-fifty!
Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well, and the rabbit's foot, same as the mojo man same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the god's testicles...
It's all the same! Fifty-fifty! So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourselves!
And for those of you who look to the Bible for moral lesson and literary qualities, I want to suggest a couple of other stories for you
You might wanna look at "The Three Little Pigs", That's a good one Has a nice, happy ending! I'm sure you'll like that!
Then there's "Little Red Riding Hood", although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad
Wolf actually eats the grandmother which I didn't care for!
And finally, I've often -always- drawn a great deal of moral comfort from "Humpty Dumpty!"
The part I like the best: "All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!"
That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God! None! Not one! No God! Never was!