the innermost and secret
August 31, 2023

silent night

Oh, my God, my dear, we were so inexperienced and stupid! When we met, we were so selfish, so self-confident, so obsessed! We didn't know how to love yet, but look what happened to us. We have become so mature, so strong, so brave. You've become a real man, you've become so determined. Lord, may your children one day hear the words of love from your lips - this is the best thing I can imagine in my head right now. You radiate real light, you gave me hope and I know how to love again, every day in my bed I seem to fly away to my world. I remember Europe, beautiful people and the best scents of perfumes, I imagine how we go to the shops for fruits and vegetables, and when we return to our cozy apartment in the center of Krakow, Warsaw or Helsinki, we prepare a salad for the two of us. We eat dinner sitting in the kitchen by candlelight and listen to LANY. Then we drink green tea, you take my hand and we dance in our bedroom, where there is no bed, but there is a nice place on the floor. The whole apartment smells like coffee and lavender, we have a perfectly clean wooden floor, and you and I are in our favorite-crazy socks. Honey! Just imagine how you taught me to dream and love! I didn't know this happiness before. Oh, and I often think about how wonderful we would be as parents, how we would go to church together and sing "Silent Night"to our baby. For the holidays, we would not spend money on stupid gifts for our parents, but give them a picture that we painted together one quiet evening. My dear and beloved, most of all in life I am afraid to lose you or forget you, I am afraid that life will be unfair and will take you away from me. I dream of old dreams where I lose you, I dream that you want to leave me alone, that you're leaving. I dream that you left for good, and then you brought me groceries and my mother's plate. I dream of you saying goodbye and saying that we will only meet in paradise. It's all a dream, and I wake up in a cold sweat, knowing it's just a dream. Knowing that you are somewhere very close.


11/05/2021