June 19, 2021

#1: straight to Drafts

Hello there.

I'm writing this to you on a Friday night. You're probably spending time with your loved ones. Perhaps with a partner, or a pet, or policule pals. Or maybe you're going out tonight? Don't go too far out, there's still a virus out there.

I'd like you to be safe.

I've been working on a drawing tonight. It's based on a collage I made from Cartier and Dior ads from Vogue.

The Vogue, by the way, was just two pounds. That's dirt-cheap. Less than a latte – I was so surprised. I remember in Moscow I would go to Azbuka Vkusa and I'd see it up there. I'd always wonder, who the hell is buying it for this much money? It was actually a bit more than a latte. Are lattes cheaper in Moscow or are Vogues substantially more expensive? What was the currency dynamic?

When you change your currency and income all at once, you can expect to lose grasp. But I think there's an advantage to losing grasp. Now whenever I feel lonely, I can pin it onto a subject. That's a luxury, because loneliness is a notoriously subjectless feeling. Before I moved, I couldn't say "oh, I'm missing home" because de jure, I was home. Now I'm not, and I can say that I miss the streets, the buildings and seeing you in person. Feeling lonely is now for and about something.

I've been thinking of giving in. I don't really want to. The thing is, the economy, architecture, and service industry is set up to serve adults in couples. Some people could pair up with a sibling, parent or friend. Not me. I have to either avoid couply places, or go alone and experience awkwardness.

So for that reason, I might give dating yet another go. After a course of therapy, my idea of a suitable partner shifted a little bit. It used to be all about a thin person with a daytime eyeliner, as in "vampire sex kitten". In reality, it invariably translated into "I've been awake for 40 hours, still stoned and disguising my grey eye circles with slutty makeup".

Now I'm a bit more into people who have their shit together, to the point that they don't really date. I'll see them. Only I don't really want them to touch me. Or come too close. My new idea of dating might be: meet me at the park gate, we walk different sides of the pathway and you try to earn my trust in 40 minutes or less.

I don't think dates should run over 40 minutes. It's a pretty good limit – thank zoom for that. I'd actually enforce that for all formal meetings. It needs to be a law.

Tomorrow I'm getting vaccinated. This might or might not help me go to Moscow next month. I'm really looking forward to it. Although to be honest, after almost two years at home, I'm feeling nervous about all this. All the being in huge halls full of people, seating inside a noisy capsule speeding through the sky. What if I forgot how to be in Moscow? What if you're too busy to see me? So many possibilities that differ from my regular ones: getting bitten by a dog, buying spoiled yogurt, the ceiling falling down.
These ones I can handle.

Next time when I write to you, I will have gone to a museum or somewhere else exciting, because believe it or not, this is a letter about culture.