vertigo

and i still don't know how i feel about it; but I feel like I'm learning.

these words describe my current life and everything hapenning around me right now. today, i remembered my past life, when everything was so heavy, like everything was weighing on me. i forgot, lost myself around thoughts of future and past. i was lost. my present was illusion for me. time no longer existed. i was a ghost. i was chasing ghosts. i didn't know what will i do and what shoud i do. i felt like i'm just existing in this world. i felt like garbage. even the simplest situations seemed like problems for me. i was under water, i wanted to scream as nobody saw or knew real me inside a body. i thought the problem was in physical condition. but it was in my mind. i lived in the past and feared the future. i knew it, but i didnt have a strenght to change something.

i didnt want this to continue. i wanted to stop it. i wanted to stop everything. but something kept me here, holding me and wanted me to be alive. it might be my weakness or my love, that i thought was fake. but love of others, especially my mother, father & sisters was real, but i didn't felt it. i was so concerned about myself that i forgot everything around me. real me, real feelings. i couldn't sleep at nights. i hated everybody because i hated myself.

i hated me. i lied to myself. i felt like i'm running from myself. but i wasn't sure that i was running forward.

and today i'm feeling how these moments pulling me back again.

i don't want to be like this again. i don't wanna think about it. i hope i will not.

2/23-27/2020