July 21, 2020

How many time do I have?

Once you understand that you lost something important, that you not able to get things back, that everything is your own fault, you understand your own weakness and misery. Your crown falls. Is it fallen? Or it’s an illusion again? You want to see reality as it is. Full of Pain and emptiness, suffering and imperfections, darkness and uselessness of every action at the end, because everything is just an impermanence. You see it in this world now? Or you see it inside yourself. It’s doesn’t matter. Once you saw it it’s became so hard to unsee. It’s hard but not impossible. You should accept and stop reacting, you know it well but something in you not let you do it easily. Why have resistance, why you trying hard to stay down and see only bad things, why you want to be alone and suffer instead of acting and change the situation? If you don’t like something in this world, you probably don’t like something in yourself. You don’t feel proud to be who you are. Because you stopped achieving anything. You stopped improving yourself. Yes you let yourself too many things. And You froze your own development.

Maybe you wanted to reach something big? This is your explanation? Too big I would say. This is your crown. Big and fast — another way is not acceptable. You Forgot that life is slow. Remembered about the Evolution ? How many millions years it’s took to have a human being here now?

Yes you forgot. Once you saw the time of life in one single moment. And after that everything changed. You changed. You started to live in a hurry. Time to slow down now.

Understanding about the Time.

It was a summer. Maybe a summer. I don’t remember. I want to remember details about that moment but I even can’t remember how old I was. I came back home, my home where I grew up, where all my life began, where my first memories and first understandings about life happens. It’s an apartment at Moscow. 9th floor, building made of orange bricks. Have two rooms and a kitchen. Have a dark room, balcony and very long hall. I shared room with my sister. Mother stayed at another one, bigger than ours but with less privacy, because that big room we also used as a living room. So there was no bed. Only a sofa that can be transformed to a bed. And mother have to open it and close everyday. But sometimes she not closed it, so it was open for many days.

Me and sister have a normal bed to sleep. Pretty Good one actually. Wooden bed, made in Italy, as mother said, with two floors. I was sleeping on the bottom floor and my younger sister slept above. Once I woke up at night and wanted to have some juice, weird unusual feeling, because normally we didn’t have any juice at home, maybe that day mother have salary or grandmother came and bring it, don’t remember. It was a peach juice from a pack. And I decided to wake up and went to a kitchen. Got my juice in the darkness of the night, drinking it and suddenly heard loud sound like something huge broke and falls apart. Sister screamed. I back to room and saw her, sitting on her mattress, which was right above mine. Bed was broken and fallen. Heavy construction of metal frame, wood, mattress and my sister on the top was right on my bed. I might be injured if I would be there sleeping. Could die I guess. Would got Scared for sure. But something moved me out of my bed in the middle of the night and it’s saved my life from this mental and physical trauma. Long time after that situation I couldn’t believe and couldn’t understand why I wanted to have that juice so bad that cannot resist the feeling. But I told mother that I don’t want to risk again and we should separate the beds. Since that moment we have two private beds in our room. My Childhood finished. I became a teenager.

So I back home from somewhere, so it’s probably was a summer. Time when so pleasant to be outside. I lay in my bed, cannot sleep. Sleep it’s not my favorite thing to do. Thinking I like much more. Thought just came to you, and process begin. One thought bring you to the next one. Flow of thoughts, became a wave, then can be a waterfall and sometimes a tsunami. One thought catching another and then next one and next. Here I was, just lay at my bed, trying to sleep and looking at flowers on the wallpapers, and then just a few moments after, I am thinking about my future and about meaning of the life at the same time. I remember very clear how thoughts just covered me one by one, it was like something hit my head again and again and again. Or like I’m staying at the beginning of dark tunnel and suddenly lights turned on, one by one and I can see that there is no ending of the tunnel but now I know that it is very long.

This memory was like a scale, or maybe a ruler. Imagine a ruler with years instead of centimeters or inches on it. And above the years you can see a moment in life. Some important moments. First I saw myself and moment when I was born, it was like a zero on the ruler. Then I saw my sister birthday, when I was 2,5 years old. This is my very first memory in life that I can really remembered. Then other moments, kindergarten, first class at school, grand-grand mother died, one and then another one. Then I saw the death of grandmother dog accidentally run to the street and got hitting by a truck. Then my uncle died, he loved that dog. Grandmother tears. Then my parents divorced. Everything have a place on the scale with day and year. Moment by moment I saw everything that more or less bring changes to my personality. And came to the moment where I was that time. Thoughts didn’t stopped so I keep thinking and saw the future. It was clear understanding, I understood that grandmother, mother, father death will be on this scale too, soon or later it will be there same as my ow death and my ruler will have the end. My own death not scared me that much, like understanding that I can see there people who are important in my life and who I maybe sometimes not appreciate enough. Of course we all can be stupid and especially at the teenage time we can have conflicts with parents only because we believe that now we are adult and know better then they what to do and how to live our life. I never been an exception. Sometimes I believed that my parents are against me and whole world are against me. And when I will grow up I would leave that place forever. But when I saw the ruler with scales of years, when I saw possibilities of death, all bad feelings gone, just sadness. I started to cry. Cried very hard and can’t stop it. I felt time so fast, here we are and here we are dead. Here you have family and here you are alone. Here someone who you just had a fight with, and here you are crying because you will never talk to this person again.

I don’t know what it was, but this understanding just entered to my body, under my skin, into my blood and bones. All over me and as soon as I tried I couldn’t unsee it or forget. I tried to take it out of myself. I didn’t want to believe. I wanted to have an illusion of life with no suffering for anyone. Forever life for all people. But it’s imprinted in my mind and stayed with me until now. And probably will be with me forever. Understanding about limitless of the lifetime.